After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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