singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
