if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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