Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
