The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
