what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
