This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
