Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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