I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
