I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
