That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
