you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
