I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
