Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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