i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
