Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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