those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
