what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Everything about him screamed your future.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
