i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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