At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
