He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
