I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
