i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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