I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
