Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My bed smells like the plague
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