Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
