I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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