also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Hippo gnu deer
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
