she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
