you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
