How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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