i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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