the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
