I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
