You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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