I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
