I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
