I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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