no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
bring money and cleavage
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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