Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
