He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just come out here and I will go home with you...
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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