So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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