You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
