Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
