WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
