I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
