Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my sisters under your porch take her home
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
