Need sex. Gaining weight.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
