This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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