I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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