i just wanna soil my oats bro
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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