i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
