Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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