Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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