make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize