Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
