grandma shit on top of the toilet
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
