You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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