My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
