My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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